Why I'm Nothing Without You

Literally truer words could not be spoken. Against all odds I am The Great. At night, as I retire to bed, I find myself in passing mirrors. Shifting shapes, ignoring the inevitable. Finding lesser value in things I once found so beautiful, completely missing the focal point of my view. This phenomenon is a word I dare not use so early in my writing tonight. Or for you, this morning. I have come so far. We, I once felt, had come so far. So far, we were so close. Lately so many of my own feelings occupy the whirring space in my chest. Feelings of resentment, punishment, spite. And my old friend, revenge. The most faithful lover I will ever have in my life. Once again risen to my defense, has given me so much inspiration over these last few weeks. I’m truly in awe of all of the words that have fallen from my mouth & head. The thing I am most proud of currently is a brand new piece I wrote just recently. It is about two weeks old now, a bit beyond learning to crawl if you will. But the development of this song crept up on me fast. It all started when I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, coincidentally called Revenge, and one of my favorite characters had just gotten killed off. Now we all know I am not one to be a sap. And that I rarely ever watch TV. But this is just one of those shows where the plot is catchy, the characters are unrealistically charming, and the lives they live are even more charming. I idolize Victoria Grayson with all of my heart, for the record ;) But any who, she is the mother of the late character in which I’m referring to. Now, the title of this show leaves nothing to the imagination, seeing that it is 100% about revenge, getting it, and the dedication of pursuing it. Totally my style. No wonder I became a huge fan overnight. But after Daniel Grayson gets killed off while defending his fiancé, Emily, I felt….. Dare I say it, sympathy? Yes, sympathy. I know. Gross, right? But nonetheless, how awful of a feeing, I thought to myself. And I felt it so deep for both characters. The feeling that I felt of loss. Heartbreak. Longing to hold the person you love again, and feel their warmth. If only one last time. I took that feeling and ran with it. I bid my affair with Netflix goodbye for the night & opened up garageband. The chorus came to me so natural. The words just flowed, like a lullaby. The harmonies were written in time somewhere, I swear. That is how perfect it was. I only could write about that much before the week of my birthday came. And that was an event in itself. I must say 25 feels so amazing, and my day was beautiful. My family, best friends, & an amazing dinner set the mood for what I knew would be the start to another truly evil year. It was a whirlwind that lasted about 3 days, and I really got the royal treatment. This too inspired a lot of what you will hear in this song, the second verse especially. It goes into deep, graphic detail about my life and why it’s so fascinating to me. My life, I must say, though tis dark, it’s perfect. It’s beautiful. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have seen amazing, beautiful places with amazing, beautiful people. I’ve experienced beautiful feelings & gestures, and I’ve definitely possessed beautiful things. I have been blessed in that department. One event in particular that I refer to is my trip to Vegas that we took last summer. It was honestly one of the greatest feelings that I ever got to experience in my life. Like the eve of my 25th birthday, Vegas and California were absolutely unforgettable. And the things we experienced while there, you wouldn’t believe it. Helicopter tours, 2 penthouse suites, driving to LA & swimming in the ocean, amazing food, private cabanas, endless mimosas….. Yes, I said endless. The weather was exquisite, the people I went with I wouldn’t trade anything for. And I truly had the time of my life for a week straight. And that is what I wrote about in the second verse. Metaphorically of course. But it completely inspired the tone & mood for that part of the song. I think it’s important to dress things up to distract one from the direct meaning. It relays the fantasy element in my music that I've grown so fond of writing. I myself am a lover of interpreting things for myself. That is the beauty of music. It can touch so many, but in different ways completely unrelated. And upon gathering the idea for the second verse, I contemplated what I was going to begin the song with. What was my initial thought. And after falling upon mindless, asinine child’s play on twitter, I felt that strike of jealousy sharpen it’s dormant stake in my heart. And I wrote. And I wrote hard. I wrote with hatred, and fury, and loathing, and I had my first verse. It was perfect. It is perfect. It's melodic assurance and sass, and attitude gives it that spark, and adds that flare of fear to what I'm singing about. About fifteen minutes after I stretched & heightened my senses with that exercise, all I was missing was my bridge. Now, this is where things got crazy. Oddly enough, one of my friends did something kind of.... unsettling behind my back after I had just gotten through settling some private matters of my own. It affected more than just me, but other people involved that I didn’t wish to see become involved or get dragged into it. Upon learning this information after reaching out to said person, I realized that intent was driven by a flower in my very own backyard. This made me realize a lot about the deception & chaos one little flower can cause. It also made me step back and realize even more that man is mere man. And under the power and guise of a Queen of Darkness, even a man can forget her heir while under the influence of a greater force. Men in general inspired me to write my bridge. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. And I did. I wanted to profess and express my true heart's desire to lock away the very person that broke my heart. Lock them in my cell tower, free from sunlight, never to see the light of day again. Never giving an indication of how I truly feel deep inside. But alas, I give to you the equation in which I build my foundation on. Every Queen of Darkness builds her foundation on, in fact. There are 4 things that come with the title of being The Queen of Darkness. Four pillars in which we become monsters should they collapse or cease to protect. The mind, the heart, our evil, & our ego. To threaten any of those temples is a crime in itself. Whether you are a Queen of Darkness or a remnant of the light. The evil and the ego against the heart and mind. All of which, in some way, are directly connected. I pride myself strongly on all four, knowing that each could and have taken severe blows. But only once has all four collapsed in my life. And my evil collapsed well before I knew I possessed it. This phenomenon, is called pain. And this time around, I do not regret to inform you that I will not be the one to feel.

Stay tuned, the should be a doozy


Leave a comment